The Obamanator

Nancy Lanza’s guns

Nancy Lanza loved guns. Apparently, she labored under the illusion, widely shared by gun-owning Americans, that they would make her safe.

Instead, her son Adam turned one of her own weapons on his mother and blew her brains out.

Perhaps he used the Glock. Perhaps it was the Sig Sauer. Perhaps it was the Bushmaster semi-automatic assault rifle, a weapon similar to those used by troops fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Contrary to the belief of gun advocates, keeping a gun in your house dramatically increases the chances that you or a loved one will be harmed by a weapon — your own.

The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence has compiled a litany of statistics  illustrating the risks. Here’s a small sampling:

• The risk of homicide is three times higher in homes with firearms.
• For every time a gun is used in self-defense, it is used 11 times for suicide, 7 times in criminal assaults and 4 times in unintentional shooting deaths or injuries.
• In nearly 50 percent of accidental shooting deaths, the victim is shot by someone they knew, such as a parent, a spouse, a sibling or a friend.

Nancy Lanza was just the latest casualty of a weapon that was supposed to protect her.

Todd Akin, Man of Principle

Dear Rep. Akin,

The Obamanator would like to salute you for standing on principle. You don’t believe in abortion, you don’t believe in women’s rights, and, apparently, you’re even skeptical about the existence of rape.

No matter how outlandish your views, sir, you are not afraid to share them with the Republican voters of Missouri, who knew where you stood when they chose you as their candidate for the U.S. Senate.

That sets you apart from Willard “Mitt” Romney, who refuses to say what he believes about anything. 

Now Willard and the entire national Republican Party apparatus are determined to drive you out of the race. Don’t let them do it, Todd. 

As you know, the Republican Party has worked tirelessly this election season to curtail the voting rights of citizens who are likely to vote for Democrats, particularly African-Americans and Hispanics.

That these efforts betray the legacy of their proudest progenitor, Abraham Lincoln, does not bother them in the least. You, on the other hand, with your fearless devotion to the truth, are a proud descendant of Honest Abe.

Kudos, sir.

Thank you, too, for vividly illustrating the hypocrisy of Willard Romney. You have shown that the only principle he believes in is winning.

He has castigated you for distinguishing between “legitimate rape” and other varieties of rape — and for suggesting that rape victims can’t get pregnant. (It’s no wonder that Republican leaders appointed you to serve on the House Committee on Science, sir!)

But Willard just chose a running mate who has made similar attempts to parse varieties of rape, distinguishing among “forcible rape” and other types, which he apparently believes were welcomed by the women who experienced them.

Mitt and the other Republicans are not bothered by the substance of what you said. They simply fear that you have blown your chances of winning what should have been an easy race — and one necessary for achieving GOP control of the U.S. Senate.

They didn’t utter a peep when slime rocker Ted Nugent fired up an NRA rally by suggesting that President Obama should be shot.

They didn’t castigate Donald Trump for insisting that President Obama was born in Kenya.

But they are outraged — outraged! — that you told the truth.

Hang in there, Todd. Don’t be a quitter.

Mr. President, it’s time to kick Wayne LaPierre in the balls

Dear President Obama,

I knew from the moment I saw you deliver the keynote at the 2004 Democratic convention that you were going to be President. Your speech gave me the chills. You were thoughtful. You were eloquent. You embodied the American Dream.

I was thrilled when you were elected, and I’ve stood by you during the twists and turns of your difficult presidency. You have done the best anyone could under incredibly difficult circumstances.

But there have been disappointments, none bigger than your failure to stand up and fight for gun control.

We are the only nation on earth whose population is nearly outnumbered by guns.

Those weapons don’t make us safer. They facilitate slaughter.

Only a lunatic nation makes it easy for madmen to buy semi-automatic weapons.

It’s time for you to take on Wayne LaPierre. It’s time for you to kick that bastard in the balls.

Visionary gun lover: We should all pack heat at the cinema

I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but I think Luke O’Dell has the vision and insight to lead. It’s no wonder he’s ascended to the upper ranks of Rocky Mountain Gun Owners, a group of God-fearing citizens fighting for our right to stockpile assault weapons.

In the aftermath of the carnage at Aurora, Luke remained clear-headed and unbowed in his commitment to packin’ heat. The lesson of the tragedy, he reasoned, is that more people should carry guns — especially when they go to the movies.

“Potentially, if there had been a law-abiding citizen who had been able to carry in the theater, it’s possible the death toll would have been less,” Luke told the New York Times.

Maybe I’m just not as smart as Luke, but the Obamanator is having a hard time working this out.

With hundreds of people fleeing in terror, and a bunch of cinemaphiles shooting blindly in the dark — this seems to me like a recipe for even more mayhem and death. 

Plus, I worry that a suburban dad with a six-shooter wouldn’t be much of a match for a paranoid-schizophrenic dressed head to toe in body armor wielding a .40 caliber Glock, a 12-gauge shotgun and an assault rifle with a 100-round magazine. 

I’ll confess, though, the Obamanator has never even been hunting, so perhaps I should just yield to Luke O’Dell’s wisdom and experience when it comes to weaponry and the nuances of the 2nd Amendment.

Mitt Romney loves gun-slinging, crappy-ass musician Ted Nugent

I hope I never bump into the gun-slinging slime ball Ted Nugent. As I’ve told you before, I’ve waged a life-long struggle with anxiety, and Ted is the kind of guy who might send me into a panic attack.

I’m sure I’d feel compelled to call Ted a scumbag. Ted would feel compelled to shoot me.

An NRA board member, Ted is enamored of guns.

As you know, while speaking at a red-meat NRA meeting this week, Ted suggested that members of the Obama administration should be shot or beheaded.

Ted’s that kind of guy.

And he’s Willard “Mitt” Romney’s kind of guy. 

Willard has appeared on stage with Ted in an effort to appear less rigid and uptight than he actually is. And he has sought and received Ted’s endorsement.

Willard shares a name with a horror film about rats. Ted is a rat. 

It’s a match made in heaven.

I hope those NRA wackos are right

The consensus at this week’s NRA convention: President Obama will crack down on firearms if he wins a second term.

I sure as hell hope so. 

I love the President, and I think he’s doing a fantastic job, considering the fact that he has to work with perhaps the most intransigent, irrational Congress in U.S. history.

But his record on gun control has been such a disappointment that he earned a failing grade from the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence. 

The NRA folks won’t be happy until he earns an F-minus.

I wish the President would kick the NRA in its undersized balls. (My theory is, the smaller the penis, the bigger the gun.)

An opportune moment presented itself when a lunatic gunslinger shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in the head, killed six people and injured 14 others.

Even though the shooter was a diagnosed schizophrenic, he had no trouble purchasing a 9mm Glock at the local Sportsman’s Warehouse and some ammo at Walmart.

The NRA seems to like things this way.